The Mother Wound
I had to explain to my mum how sensitive I was. She thought I was tough. A very independent woman. Someone who gets on with it and didn't need her..or anyone really.
That's all I showed her for years:the parts I created to cover the pain of her leaving me. Behaviours created totolerateand put up with having her in my life: unanswered texts, tense conversations, periods of time apart,
polite interactions and dancing around the unmistakable tension.
I think I was waiting my whole life for my Mum to try to fix our relationship.
It got to a point one day where there was nothing left to gain by keeping up the charade. She had nursed me through cancer and I still hated her.
I felt unseen, misunderstood andI'd had enough.
Her misunderstanding of me from myexpertability to perform “the unaffected woman”, tolerate her and write her off.
But ..how could she understand me when I wasn't showing her who I truly was?
I am sensitive woman who has been deeply effected by her absence and values loving, intimate relationships.
To feel loved for being ourselves is a marvellous thing.
To feel loved for the person we pretend to be is gutting and empty.
Our healing happened when I took responsibility for the fact I was better equipped to start the conversation. That meantI needed to put down my masks and armour FIRST (even though she’s the mum).
In order to do this I needed:
people I could turn to who saw the real me
a body that could hold the emotional template of rejection without shutting down
a sense of self strong enough to know that a failed repair didn’t mean I was unlovable
All of my healing work had been leading up to this. The conversational tools, the ability to emote without projection and, building my self esteem through other acts of bravery (like understanding my boundaries, expressing hurt securely and letting go of perfectionism).
I am so fortunate that my mother was open to the conversation and willing to commit to a repair process with me.
And I can proudly say today we have a great relationship.Something i never thought possible only years ago.
Relationships affect the quality of our life. Even the people who have left. People shape who we are, how we choose love and trust others.
If you want a highly impactful way to find more satisfaction in your life..start with your relationships.
If you’ve read the books and done the self help stuff for a while. It’s time to look at your relationships.
There is only so far you can go in your healing alone because EVERY scar we hold is one learned and mirrored in relationships.
At some point we need to get back out there and do things differently WITH others.
Read a little more about Mum and me here (and see us dance)
🌷Em
p.s. your Mum doesn't have to be open to the conversation to heal the mother wound. This is a collective feminine trauma and we heal it with our sisters (born and chosen) too.
