Dating An Avoidant
So India has been eventful..Stalked by a tuk tuk driver, caught in a monsoon trying to get a sim card for three hours,
4 nights in hospital, thrown from the back to the front of an ambulance (I still have the bruises) when they drove insanely,
my friend missed the concert which was the reason we came.. and now she has to go home three months early.
...and we’ve been here ten days.
The icing on the cake? The man I was seeing broke up with me while we were in hospital.
You know what though...I’m not mad. I understand.
It was hard for him to communicate and feel love long distance.
To make it work, a few things were really important:
Patience with and understanding of how we each receive love (I'm not talking love languages. I'm talking reassurance, consistency, freedom, fun..)
Repairing disagreements. So we could strengthen our emotional connection while we were physically distant.
Clear and honest communication.This is the "how to" demonstrate love, build closeness and repair conflict (points 1 & 2).
There was a part of me that thought it would never work because he had an avoidant attachment style. Yes, in the end the cold timing of the breakup proved that.
Don’t get me wrong; I was heartbroken.
I'm highly sensitive and feel everything deeply, especially relationships. They’re my number one driver in life.
However,I feel secure.
Secure in the fact I knew his attachment style and didn’t write him off.
Secure in the comfort thatI kept my heart open: I loved, communicated, and addressed conflict..even when he couldn’t meet me.
and when he stopped meeting me, I addressed that too.
and that’s when he ran.
I could have written him off months ago but I didn’t because:
He’s human. We all have attachment issues. It’s a collective wound, not an isolated flaw.
I lead with love. Not to fix, but to give him a chance to meet me -not avoiding the avoidant.
So many of us take ourselves out of the relationship without taking ourselves out of the relationship.
We check out but stay.
We stop showing love, stop talking about what’s important, stop sharing joys / heartaches and, stop making effort for fear of being disappointed.
OR we pretend we’re fine, blame the other person - complaining or trying to fix THEM, suppress our desire formoreor over-give to try to force something back.
All of these are reactions to loss - real or perceived. These are ways we lead with our walls, not our hearts.
Relationships are humans biggest source of purpose and joy. The fuel they gift us has been studied and labelled as crucial to life satisfaction.
As relationships ebb and change we feel changes in levels of connection - and those changes trigger emotions which trigger physiological responses in your body. Sometimes fear, sometimes love.
This happens even in small moments.
I don't need to tell you this really, you've lived in 1000 times.
Sensitive women are natural healers- through their ability to feel, emote, understand, and share love and insight.
Our work is to stay in that.
To not get convinced we need to be less sensitive. To be able to feel deeply without shutting down.
To stop energetically vomiting on people and blaming them for not cleaning it up (classic feminine wound)
To choose love in situations when fear is whispering to you:*pssst hide, disconnect, shut up..
And to do that ^ we need:
–Other sensitive women: so our nervous systems feel ‘normal’ and accepted.
– To tend to cracks in our hearts from when we were younger: so they don’t bleed on our relationships today.
– To let emotion influence decisions rather than silencing or diluting it.
– To be clear on what we want our life tofeellike: I'm not talking SMART goals. I'm talking priorities: Do you want to lead with love? Freedom? Adventure? Self-respect?
And then (to wrap it all up),we need practice.
We need to out-repeat the unconscious childhood karmic reactions.This can be simple and something easy to manage - it doesn't need to be an hours meditation every day.
So. Of course this story leads to an invitation - because I wouldn’t leave you hanging with nowhere to go.
Read more about dating a spiritual man.
Or check out "Relationships as a guide" workshop series in the school for sensitive women.
Em xx
